Live from: the set of the 2019 hit movie “Wine Country” starring Amy Poehler and Rachel Dratch
This week Yours Truly is coming to you from Napa Valley, and Reader, I know it’s become a cliché, but I have never wanted to be a trophy wife so bad.
I don’t know if you know this or not but wine tastings are like, super expensive. Here in The Village, if you ask nicely, tastings are 100% free due to a little thing we like to call Midwestern Hospitality. Not once has a bartender charged me anything more than a please and thank you for a measly sip of the newest rotating domestic draft so I can determine which option tastes the most like corn and ice.
Nonetheless, I love wine tastings. I love wearing cute little sundresses and violently swirling wine in glassware larger than my head. I love the way everyone is, like, a little mean. I love the “BEWARE OF RATTLESNAKES” signage in the parking lots. I like the finer things in life. Sue me.
Unfortunately, Reader, as we both know, I am a writer—a position that traditionally doesn’t make, like, a living wage. And because I intend on chasing after that glimpse of Napa Valley for as long as my little legs (a joke—my legs are so long) can carry me, I have set my sights on becoming a trophy wife or an heiress. But as we all know I already have a Hot IT Boyfriend, so we’re putting trophy wife on hold until he makes his first million or dumps me. Whichever comes first.
This, Readers, leaves one option. I must become an heiress.
So, as of today, I am opening applications to individuals and businesses alike searching for a young woman to become the sole inheritor of their estate.
You may be wondering what’s in it for you? Why should you make me your heiress? I do have to point out, Precious Reader, that this is a rather selfish way of thinking, however, we are put on this earth to learn, so I will enlighten you.
Here are a few reasons why you should make me, The Village Idiot, your heiress:
Reason#1: I am different from other heiresses. I look great in a flannel. I drink beer. I can totally do the whole Champagne and silk thing, but I can also really sell a cabin-in-the-woods vibe. Netflix will probably make a movie about my rise to fortune and fame staring Lily Collins and some nameless Australian guy who can’t fake an American accent to save his life. Additionally, in said movie, I will ensure a large portrait of you is hanging above the roaring fireplace in all of the shots of me and my Hot IT Boyfriend (played by the aforementioned Australian guy) snuggling by the fire, sipping on frosted mugs of Coors Lite, as we are, like, sooo relatable.
Reason #2: I’d totally donate to charity. And not just for tax purposes, either.
Reason #3: Between me and my Hot IT Boyfriend, I really think we have enough emotional intelligence to handle an estate without turning to hard drugs and/or tennis.
Reason #4: I’ve always wanted to give a TED Talk. I understand this one is more about me than you, but wouldn’t you feel, like, super smart and generous for being the benefactor to such an ingenious and relatable young woman? If I had an estate, I’d want me to be my heiress.
Reason #5: You can come to Napa with me! I’m literally so much fun to be around. You can ask my mom.
Reason #6: I understand KPI’s and stuff, so I’d be really good at running a business.
Reason #7: Per my last revelation, I have proven experience being a CEO and I doubt being an heiress is much different. If anything, it’s probably a little easier.
As you can see, there are ample reasons to allow me to be the sole inheritor of your estate. Interested and qualified parties can apply here. No application fee necessary.
XOXO
— The Village Idiot